Friday, September 17, 2010

Just Call Me Nostradoofus

So, I'm rummaging through some old stuff the other day. I still have a sweater vest from 1st grade. Why? I know not.
I still have my Magic Window (from the 70's). The one toy I wasn't able to destroy/take apart - unlike the plethora of Etch-A-Sketch's I owned.

Then I came upon this. THIS speech won 1st place (?!?!?!) for me back in 4th grade. Who the hell were my competitors? Why am I under the impression I was smart back then? Did I win simply by just being cute? Oh if I could go back in time to that evening in the Havre de Grace Elementary School cafeteria.

Tommorows Promise

This speech is about schools of the year 2000. I think the schools are going to be fun. The kjds will be learning what we didn't learn. The gym will have new games and the gym will be bigger. The music will have different notes and the kids will make songs theirselves. The library will have thicker books for ages 6 to 20. The problems the kids will have is forgetting work, getting wrong answers, and getting sick all the time. The kids will buy bigger bookbags so they can take all their books home.

Will the teachers be robots or real? How long will schools be? 6 hours, 1 hour, 4 hours? Willl schools be on Sat and Sun? Will schools run all year? Will all the teachers be men? Here are some questions and what other kids will know. PLus in the cafeteria will the kids throw food on the floor? Will they put corn and spaghetti together and what will they call it?

Probably the report card will have

Q for quick

R for receiving

S for starting

T for terrible

U for unable

Will the school teach by T.V> or Radio? Will words on tests be I see you cat dog bird. How many words will there be 1 or 200? Will the desks and chairs be automatic like push a button and the desks and chairs come whirling, dancing, and spinning like a ballerina waiter. The chairs will probably be made of granite and marble.

Will schools start for the age of 8? End for 89? Instead of desks and chairs will they work in beds. Will the schools be made of canvas?

Thank you for attending P.T.A.

Monday, June 14, 2010


You posted that picture on

You answered my email

You didn't think I was too old

You gave good phone

You stayed around even though I was an hour late

You ate my doughnuts the next morning

You didn't rob me while I was at work

You went to Home Depot with me for our second date

You make me laugh

We put Joan and Christina to shame when we fight

We go to bed angry but wake up not-so-angry

You love TV as much as I do

You're a great cook

You're a foodie

You made me like kale, Mexican, and tomatoes again

You make me laugh when you're "feeling the music"

You have a nice singing voice

Your mom

Your smile

You're beefy

Your calves

You're a great Jeopardy opponent

Your eyes

The way you you look when you wear dark/rich colors

You make an ugly Mama Edie

You've been my chauffeur in spite of my back-seat driving

You pretty much supported me while I was on "sabbatical"

You put up with my highs and lows

You haven't left me in spite of everything

You let me soak up the sun while you frolic in the ocean

You fall asleep on the couch - glasses askew, hands in underwear

You look mighty fine in a suit

You have no shame in crying during sappy TV shows

You're a great kisser

Hate smoking as much as I do

You started a garden this year

You actually come around to my point of view once in a while

You got the job in NYC

You like to do art galleries and museums

I like introducing you to new music

You like to travel

You made me get my passport

You made me get rid of THAT gray shirt

You made me get rid of pleated pants

You wear Happy

You like wine

You let me back after I said I was out of your life "for good"

You broke up with me (that whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing)

You were on TV

You wear deodorant

You still tell people I'm an actor even though you haven't seen me in action

Just because. Happy Anniversary, Dan!


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Jeff, you really should think before you speak...

So, I'm in line to get on an elevator. Elevator door opens and people start crowding in. I'm next to get on. Hesitate for a brief second because it looks full. Decide I've been waiting long enough as it is. Door closes. I hear:

This elevator goes down, I'm blaming you.

I notice she's looking at me. Smiling, mind you, but still. What do I do? I scan left to right the occupants of the elevator. I respond:

You're kidding, right? I'm probably the lightest person in here.

I still have 7 floors to go.